I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
