And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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