I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
