Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
if only i could text you this smell
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
