There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
