And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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