Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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