I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Randomize
