you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
