she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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