Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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