I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
