Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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