i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I think I just sharted jello shots
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
