My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
