There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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