I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
