Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
