I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Randomize
