I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.