i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car