I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
