I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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