I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
