she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
