Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
