I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
