Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
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it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
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ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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