the day after is always just damage control
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
