If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
