I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.