Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
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I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
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My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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