He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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