I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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