Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
