I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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