I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
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I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
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Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.