Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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