I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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