Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
