That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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