you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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