He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
