I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
