just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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