i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
