I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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