I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Girls should come with a carfax report
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
