i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
