Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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