If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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