***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
