32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
