I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
