My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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