rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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